I want someone

So I have decided I want to be with someone. I might have this someone in mind. I find myself always the best friend and never the "one"

I made this choice to not be with anyone anymore because the men in my life were dragging me down! I was loosing myself in these men who needed me to take care of them. I am a care taker, a nurturer by heart. Every job I have ever had has been me taking care of people, the elderly, disabled, psychotic, children, parents, families. I gave gave gave and worked worked worked. And then one day something snapped.. And I was ready to break the pattern and move on. I needed these men in my life, they gave me the confidence to realize I was worth loving, worth a life! As crazy as my crazy boyfriends idea's were, I ended up doing them. I never heard of New Zealand before him, never really thought I would want to hike the Appalachian Trail. But all these comments he made about taking these on the whim trips came true for me. He kept telling me there was this person inside of me, that he saw needed to come out. I was a planner, ridged, frugal, hard working and determined. I decided I wanted a different life, that there really could be more out there for me. It took me a year and a half to pay off all the dept my relationships had left me in, and save for my trip to New Zealand. I had the most amazing time, and got attention from men like never before. I must have been glowing, in this new free light shinning with-in me. Of course my travels even had a love story but I will save that for another time. It didn't last, nothing has since that day I decided to choose me. Now I sit here almost 6 years to the day I made this choice. And now I want someone. But I am living a different live, and independent life of a traveler. Since that day I have filled my passport and added more pages, been to 5 continents, and over 25 countries. Met amazing people, been on incredible adventures. Hike 3 months on the Appalachian trail. And there had the only really good relationship I have ever had! And the reason was because we both knew it would never work. We had so much fun together, it was easy, great sex, great conversation, lots of laughing and an end date. When we left the woods we would leave each other. It was simple and wonderful and we are still friends.

But there must be something wrong with me, my energy, my signals if I am as great as everyone tells me, yet still single. I travel too much for anyone to keep up with me in ways. I have to change my thoughts and stop saying it isn't time for me to have someone. Next year I leave again for a whole year, so would falling in love compromise my plans? Maybe I know in my deep heart that it really isn't the time.

In my recent past I have had these huge crushes on these guys that become my best friend. They love me, they tell me they do, they tell me how amazing I am. Sometimes with a couple of them we have "crossed the line" sometimes just once, with others we can't stop crossing them. And it keeps making me wonder "why not me then" How can you be intimate with me, but then not want me? what is wrong with me? I am a good girlfriend! I am fun, open, easy to get along with. I want my boyfriend to have his own life, friends, and fun and then share time with me too!

Isn't that a dream relationship? So I figured out how to not be held down by men, I figured out the early warming signs of a guy that will need me to take care of them. I want to be your lover not your mother was my new mantra. I don't really have that many issues are far as people with issues come, but it is hard to find someone else like that. I have fun but don't abuse alcohol or drugs. I don't mind if you get drunk don't act like an ass when you are, or not be able to function the whole next day and break plans we had. Don't make me have to buy all your shit. Have a good job and then want to go to music festivals and hiking. I don't think it is to much to ask because I am not asking for anything I can not provide. So I have all these amazing guy friends I love them. But now I want someone to really love me! I went to Africa, and and Guinean fell in love with me, with my energy, my smile, my eyes, my laugh. We couldn't really talk much since both don't speak the others language. The love so easily there, they truly live in the moment, because of a hard life they know this moment might be all they have. I don't love him the way he loves me, and now I have switched positions with all these recent past men in my life. I love him, but don't want to really be with me. It would also be way too hard.

I have really grown up in these 6 me years! Moved to a new city, made new friends, learned who I am is wonderful, because everyone who meets me tells me so. I must be doing something right! Right?

what is this!

ok so I am not sure I really need another place to post my thoughts.. I actually don't even think I am going to tell anyone I know I am doing this.. they have enough to read between my group emails and all my other online journals?! I am doing this because of this friend I have. I have come to realize he might be a professional blogger. He has all these weekly updates he does about the best book the best movie, readers choiceblogs! And let me tell you he knows a lot about a lot of stuff and therefore can let his readers choose what randomness he will speak of next! I can't even figure out how to make the main photo on my page not take up the whole screen! I also can't imagine that I would create some following, and feel the need to write movie reviews, and talk about anything other then the thoughts that go through my little head. Everyone tells me I should write a book. I always wondered, where would i start? maybe I will start here, maybe I could write a blog like I would write a book and see where it would go? Telling the story of my life? of how I got to where I am today... and let me tell you my life has had some really interesting turns twists and adventures. I like telling stories, most say I am good at it, most of the stories of my life seem unreal at times, even to myself. But to put them into some logical book??? Do I write about my travels, my relationships with men, relationships with family, friends, the relationship with myself, with my life? How can a temper tantrum throwing, really bad kid turn into a negative always complaining, loud, yet hard working teenager, turn into a really positive life living, adventure seeking, successful women? Many people came into my life, showed me rays of light, that I was open enough to recieve them. I had to be willing to realize there was more to life then little Ol Rhode Island. There was actually a whole world to explore, amazing people beyond my imagination to meet. Life is this never ending lesson, and the only way to prove that we have learned a lesson, is to life in a different way after we realize the solution. We make our future, we only have as much control over our lives as we realize we have. Once we realize we have all the control to do and be what ever we choose, then our life become ours, a life worth living. So many people are not happy, don't even know how to be happy, don't even seek out ways to be happy, ways to change, that is on them.. all I can ever do and say look at me! I am happy right? Well I wasn't always this way, and I am not 100% always happy all the time, I just choose to deal with the things life dishes out, and find the positive in them! Sometimes I still need to people in my life around me to help me do this. But there lies another trick, surrounding yourself with other positive life loving people is the only way you can stay that way. So I don't really know what i will do on this page.. but then again I never know what I will do in anything I do... just go with the flow I guess.. And see what happens