with tears i write

This is sorta frustrating. I have been meaning to blog forever. But of course that fact that I seem to be a world traveler just gets in the way. I was in Granada Spain. I was talking to my couchsurfing host. He was asking the normal get to know you questions.. And found out some basic information about my past and future plans. To recap. In 2004 I went to New Zealand for 3 months, RI for 10m weeks and then drove cross country to my new home of Seattle. I then spent 7 weeks hiking, biking, kayaking and hanging out and was off again. Thailand (to meet a guy I had met in NZ and spent 5 weeks with him falling in love, island hoping in southern Thailand and then being sad when he returned to Israel) I went onto Laos, Cambodia (where I volunteered in an orphanage) Vietnam for a couple days, Australia, back to New Zealand, then finally to Israel to be with me love, who had realized he could not live with out me. He had me change all my travel plans, buy extra tickets, change ones I had bought just to be with him. I guess still not fully realizing that I need to stop doing these things, I followed my heart. Which he then ripped out, stepped on and jumped up and down on with big spikes coming out of his shoes. Broken I returned home. Went on a cruise..... the worst possible thing you can ever do is go on a cruise with couples, honeymooners, old people, and vacationers after backpacking for a year and being newly single!... but now I know. I came back to seattle in Jan of 05. Ready for my series of serious crushes on guys that would never love me the way I love them. A Festival romance, and on-line dating, all adding up to me getting hurt, being single... and in March of 06 leaving for my Hike on the Appalachian Trail. On the Trail I have the best relationship ever! One that will never work and has an end date (did I mention this one already) So I almost die, have a huge wake up call and have to go back to seattle. Had to find a new house, new job, and again another festival romance.. this time turning into way more then the last.. but ah alas, I am too nice, too cool, too whatever and there I am crushed again, alone, oh but lucky me another amazing guy "friend" to add to my growing list! So March of 2007 I find myself turning 30 on a 3 week hiking trip in Patagonia, Chile, and Argentina. Followed by 10 days in Utah.. with my first festival failure who is now one of my bestest and closest friends. And the Adventure continues... December of 2007 I leave for Guinea West Africa. Where I will drum and dance my way into happiness, love, friendships that are beyond amazing, and the arms of an african. He falls for me hard. He might be all I have wanted in a guy, funny, smart, talented, attentive, affectionate, caring, adores the ground I walk on, give me endless compliments.. wow you think I would be happy right. Oh but wait that is right, he lives in AFRICA! In one of the poorest countries in the world, he is way too young, does not speak enough english for me to really feel that connection. And after 8 phone calls a day from him I finally had to tell him to stop calling me (I feel buying food, or money for your sick mother more important!) Urghhhhhhh
Then onto live in Munich Germany to work for the family I had been a nanny for since fall of 06. They (and even I) secretly hoped I might fall in love in Munich and stay there forever... Fat Chance I guess. And the travels continue... Italy, Austria, Norway, Amsterdam, Spain, London, Sweden, Poland, Prague, And Budapest Hungary to round it all out before I head back to seattle two weeks ago.... Oh and the future.. Well I will be here for a year, then go hike the PCT from Mexico to Canada, maybe go back to Europe, and Africa, but definitely I will go back to south america, go to Antarctica up through chile, argentina, bolivia, brazil, and land in Peru for the grand finally! Hiking the Inca Trail.. Ah yes.. a women who has dreams, ambitions, a back log of fun times and amazing stories, I can tell kick ass jokes, I love to laugh. All I want is some great guy to come and sweep me off my feet and love me the way I deserve.. What do I get instead? Nothing.. This guy in spain you know what he says "but your women clock? Isn't it ticking" Oh my god! I got a few years left right, I mean I am only 31 people start families way later.. But maybe this is the reason I feel so ready to be in a relationship.. Maybe someone will make me want to settle down, Maybe someone will make me feel that being with them is more important then constantly filling my time with travel plans, so I don't realize my bed is always empty and I am all alone... As I continue down the road of being "everyone's favorite" but no ones one and only. So I get excited... when.... a friend of mine tells me to email her friend about traveling in Europe. I get more excited when I check out his myspace and he seems perfect! We send emails while I am traveling, and when I get back he wants to hang out be my "one man welcoming committee" The texts and the Iming is getting very flirty, so I finally get to go hang out with him.. I am so out of practice, I think I came off as not interested... did I mean to do this? NOOOOOO He sits on the couch and leaves the spot next to him open, but I sit on the chair. I in the back of my mind think this guy would never like me.... and there is my problem! I have now come to hate Facebook and Myspace! Why because they are stupid, and let you see things you should not see!!! Less then a week after we finally hang out, and me trying to play it cool, not contact him, try to be less available, try not to do all the things I always do when ever I like a guy hoping this time maybe it will work.... he just listed himself as in a relationship.. and I started to cry! What the??!!! I torture myself!! I was excited about him, but didn't let him in on it, because that fails me in the past! My friend Matt tells me I just need to loose 30 pounds and I won't have these problems anymore.. I would love to tell him he is full of shit, and that someone should love me for me, for all my beautifulness, kind open soul, who cares and loves, and spread positivity and joy around the world.. But he might be right because I in the back of my mind felt, "when I go over this guys house, I won't be as pretty as my pictures, and he won't like me" And I made it true... Meanwhile back on the ranch.. Did I mention this other great friend I have. Yup, have a huge crush on him too, just hoping at any moment he will grab me, kiss me and tell me he has always loved me! I go above and beyond all friendship duties with him, and check the box next to best friend please! I get to watch him hit on girls, talk about wanting to date around, not be serious, just have fun. All the girls.. you guessed it 1/2 my size! So all this should make me want to go to the gym right? More like grab a pint of ben and jerry's and cry myself to sleep. I start a job tomorrow that I am not even excited about, I have a growing to do list, I have not found a place to live.. And my happiness is being drained.. and I am not feeling positive, I am feeling sad... and I am not used to this.
I will be fine by tomorrow! but can something please make a turn for the better! I gasping for air over here!

I want someone

So I have decided I want to be with someone. I might have this someone in mind. I find myself always the best friend and never the "one"

I made this choice to not be with anyone anymore because the men in my life were dragging me down! I was loosing myself in these men who needed me to take care of them. I am a care taker, a nurturer by heart. Every job I have ever had has been me taking care of people, the elderly, disabled, psychotic, children, parents, families. I gave gave gave and worked worked worked. And then one day something snapped.. And I was ready to break the pattern and move on. I needed these men in my life, they gave me the confidence to realize I was worth loving, worth a life! As crazy as my crazy boyfriends idea's were, I ended up doing them. I never heard of New Zealand before him, never really thought I would want to hike the Appalachian Trail. But all these comments he made about taking these on the whim trips came true for me. He kept telling me there was this person inside of me, that he saw needed to come out. I was a planner, ridged, frugal, hard working and determined. I decided I wanted a different life, that there really could be more out there for me. It took me a year and a half to pay off all the dept my relationships had left me in, and save for my trip to New Zealand. I had the most amazing time, and got attention from men like never before. I must have been glowing, in this new free light shinning with-in me. Of course my travels even had a love story but I will save that for another time. It didn't last, nothing has since that day I decided to choose me. Now I sit here almost 6 years to the day I made this choice. And now I want someone. But I am living a different live, and independent life of a traveler. Since that day I have filled my passport and added more pages, been to 5 continents, and over 25 countries. Met amazing people, been on incredible adventures. Hike 3 months on the Appalachian trail. And there had the only really good relationship I have ever had! And the reason was because we both knew it would never work. We had so much fun together, it was easy, great sex, great conversation, lots of laughing and an end date. When we left the woods we would leave each other. It was simple and wonderful and we are still friends.

But there must be something wrong with me, my energy, my signals if I am as great as everyone tells me, yet still single. I travel too much for anyone to keep up with me in ways. I have to change my thoughts and stop saying it isn't time for me to have someone. Next year I leave again for a whole year, so would falling in love compromise my plans? Maybe I know in my deep heart that it really isn't the time.

In my recent past I have had these huge crushes on these guys that become my best friend. They love me, they tell me they do, they tell me how amazing I am. Sometimes with a couple of them we have "crossed the line" sometimes just once, with others we can't stop crossing them. And it keeps making me wonder "why not me then" How can you be intimate with me, but then not want me? what is wrong with me? I am a good girlfriend! I am fun, open, easy to get along with. I want my boyfriend to have his own life, friends, and fun and then share time with me too!

Isn't that a dream relationship? So I figured out how to not be held down by men, I figured out the early warming signs of a guy that will need me to take care of them. I want to be your lover not your mother was my new mantra. I don't really have that many issues are far as people with issues come, but it is hard to find someone else like that. I have fun but don't abuse alcohol or drugs. I don't mind if you get drunk don't act like an ass when you are, or not be able to function the whole next day and break plans we had. Don't make me have to buy all your shit. Have a good job and then want to go to music festivals and hiking. I don't think it is to much to ask because I am not asking for anything I can not provide. So I have all these amazing guy friends I love them. But now I want someone to really love me! I went to Africa, and and Guinean fell in love with me, with my energy, my smile, my eyes, my laugh. We couldn't really talk much since both don't speak the others language. The love so easily there, they truly live in the moment, because of a hard life they know this moment might be all they have. I don't love him the way he loves me, and now I have switched positions with all these recent past men in my life. I love him, but don't want to really be with me. It would also be way too hard.

I have really grown up in these 6 me years! Moved to a new city, made new friends, learned who I am is wonderful, because everyone who meets me tells me so. I must be doing something right! Right?

what is this!

ok so I am not sure I really need another place to post my thoughts.. I actually don't even think I am going to tell anyone I know I am doing this.. they have enough to read between my group emails and all my other online journals?! I am doing this because of this friend I have. I have come to realize he might be a professional blogger. He has all these weekly updates he does about the best book the best movie, readers choiceblogs! And let me tell you he knows a lot about a lot of stuff and therefore can let his readers choose what randomness he will speak of next! I can't even figure out how to make the main photo on my page not take up the whole screen! I also can't imagine that I would create some following, and feel the need to write movie reviews, and talk about anything other then the thoughts that go through my little head. Everyone tells me I should write a book. I always wondered, where would i start? maybe I will start here, maybe I could write a blog like I would write a book and see where it would go? Telling the story of my life? of how I got to where I am today... and let me tell you my life has had some really interesting turns twists and adventures. I like telling stories, most say I am good at it, most of the stories of my life seem unreal at times, even to myself. But to put them into some logical book??? Do I write about my travels, my relationships with men, relationships with family, friends, the relationship with myself, with my life? How can a temper tantrum throwing, really bad kid turn into a negative always complaining, loud, yet hard working teenager, turn into a really positive life living, adventure seeking, successful women? Many people came into my life, showed me rays of light, that I was open enough to recieve them. I had to be willing to realize there was more to life then little Ol Rhode Island. There was actually a whole world to explore, amazing people beyond my imagination to meet. Life is this never ending lesson, and the only way to prove that we have learned a lesson, is to life in a different way after we realize the solution. We make our future, we only have as much control over our lives as we realize we have. Once we realize we have all the control to do and be what ever we choose, then our life become ours, a life worth living. So many people are not happy, don't even know how to be happy, don't even seek out ways to be happy, ways to change, that is on them.. all I can ever do and say look at me! I am happy right? Well I wasn't always this way, and I am not 100% always happy all the time, I just choose to deal with the things life dishes out, and find the positive in them! Sometimes I still need to people in my life around me to help me do this. But there lies another trick, surrounding yourself with other positive life loving people is the only way you can stay that way. So I don't really know what i will do on this page.. but then again I never know what I will do in anything I do... just go with the flow I guess.. And see what happens