with tears i write

This is sorta frustrating. I have been meaning to blog forever. But of course that fact that I seem to be a world traveler just gets in the way. I was in Granada Spain. I was talking to my couchsurfing host. He was asking the normal get to know you questions.. And found out some basic information about my past and future plans. To recap. In 2004 I went to New Zealand for 3 months, RI for 10m weeks and then drove cross country to my new home of Seattle. I then spent 7 weeks hiking, biking, kayaking and hanging out and was off again. Thailand (to meet a guy I had met in NZ and spent 5 weeks with him falling in love, island hoping in southern Thailand and then being sad when he returned to Israel) I went onto Laos, Cambodia (where I volunteered in an orphanage) Vietnam for a couple days, Australia, back to New Zealand, then finally to Israel to be with me love, who had realized he could not live with out me. He had me change all my travel plans, buy extra tickets, change ones I had bought just to be with him. I guess still not fully realizing that I need to stop doing these things, I followed my heart. Which he then ripped out, stepped on and jumped up and down on with big spikes coming out of his shoes. Broken I returned home. Went on a cruise..... the worst possible thing you can ever do is go on a cruise with couples, honeymooners, old people, and vacationers after backpacking for a year and being newly single!... but now I know. I came back to seattle in Jan of 05. Ready for my series of serious crushes on guys that would never love me the way I love them. A Festival romance, and on-line dating, all adding up to me getting hurt, being single... and in March of 06 leaving for my Hike on the Appalachian Trail. On the Trail I have the best relationship ever! One that will never work and has an end date (did I mention this one already) So I almost die, have a huge wake up call and have to go back to seattle. Had to find a new house, new job, and again another festival romance.. this time turning into way more then the last.. but ah alas, I am too nice, too cool, too whatever and there I am crushed again, alone, oh but lucky me another amazing guy "friend" to add to my growing list! So March of 2007 I find myself turning 30 on a 3 week hiking trip in Patagonia, Chile, and Argentina. Followed by 10 days in Utah.. with my first festival failure who is now one of my bestest and closest friends. And the Adventure continues... December of 2007 I leave for Guinea West Africa. Where I will drum and dance my way into happiness, love, friendships that are beyond amazing, and the arms of an african. He falls for me hard. He might be all I have wanted in a guy, funny, smart, talented, attentive, affectionate, caring, adores the ground I walk on, give me endless compliments.. wow you think I would be happy right. Oh but wait that is right, he lives in AFRICA! In one of the poorest countries in the world, he is way too young, does not speak enough english for me to really feel that connection. And after 8 phone calls a day from him I finally had to tell him to stop calling me (I feel buying food, or money for your sick mother more important!) Urghhhhhhh
Then onto live in Munich Germany to work for the family I had been a nanny for since fall of 06. They (and even I) secretly hoped I might fall in love in Munich and stay there forever... Fat Chance I guess. And the travels continue... Italy, Austria, Norway, Amsterdam, Spain, London, Sweden, Poland, Prague, And Budapest Hungary to round it all out before I head back to seattle two weeks ago.... Oh and the future.. Well I will be here for a year, then go hike the PCT from Mexico to Canada, maybe go back to Europe, and Africa, but definitely I will go back to south america, go to Antarctica up through chile, argentina, bolivia, brazil, and land in Peru for the grand finally! Hiking the Inca Trail.. Ah yes.. a women who has dreams, ambitions, a back log of fun times and amazing stories, I can tell kick ass jokes, I love to laugh. All I want is some great guy to come and sweep me off my feet and love me the way I deserve.. What do I get instead? Nothing.. This guy in spain you know what he says "but your women clock? Isn't it ticking" Oh my god! I got a few years left right, I mean I am only 31 people start families way later.. But maybe this is the reason I feel so ready to be in a relationship.. Maybe someone will make me want to settle down, Maybe someone will make me feel that being with them is more important then constantly filling my time with travel plans, so I don't realize my bed is always empty and I am all alone... As I continue down the road of being "everyone's favorite" but no ones one and only. So I get excited... when.... a friend of mine tells me to email her friend about traveling in Europe. I get more excited when I check out his myspace and he seems perfect! We send emails while I am traveling, and when I get back he wants to hang out be my "one man welcoming committee" The texts and the Iming is getting very flirty, so I finally get to go hang out with him.. I am so out of practice, I think I came off as not interested... did I mean to do this? NOOOOOO He sits on the couch and leaves the spot next to him open, but I sit on the chair. I in the back of my mind think this guy would never like me.... and there is my problem! I have now come to hate Facebook and Myspace! Why because they are stupid, and let you see things you should not see!!! Less then a week after we finally hang out, and me trying to play it cool, not contact him, try to be less available, try not to do all the things I always do when ever I like a guy hoping this time maybe it will work.... he just listed himself as in a relationship.. and I started to cry! What the??!!! I torture myself!! I was excited about him, but didn't let him in on it, because that fails me in the past! My friend Matt tells me I just need to loose 30 pounds and I won't have these problems anymore.. I would love to tell him he is full of shit, and that someone should love me for me, for all my beautifulness, kind open soul, who cares and loves, and spread positivity and joy around the world.. But he might be right because I in the back of my mind felt, "when I go over this guys house, I won't be as pretty as my pictures, and he won't like me" And I made it true... Meanwhile back on the ranch.. Did I mention this other great friend I have. Yup, have a huge crush on him too, just hoping at any moment he will grab me, kiss me and tell me he has always loved me! I go above and beyond all friendship duties with him, and check the box next to best friend please! I get to watch him hit on girls, talk about wanting to date around, not be serious, just have fun. All the girls.. you guessed it 1/2 my size! So all this should make me want to go to the gym right? More like grab a pint of ben and jerry's and cry myself to sleep. I start a job tomorrow that I am not even excited about, I have a growing to do list, I have not found a place to live.. And my happiness is being drained.. and I am not feeling positive, I am feeling sad... and I am not used to this.
I will be fine by tomorrow! but can something please make a turn for the better! I gasping for air over here!