Oh me oh my I wish I was a better blogger! But it really just comes in cycles.. oh well!
My life pretty much kicks ass.. Of course.. My boyfriend is awesome, and we have been having a blast.. that is of course when i got over my "i have been single for so long, i don't think i want to be with someone" issues.. It was funny I tried to break up with him, because I could not stand having someone in my space so much! After all that time of wanting and wanting someone to share it with.. i got it.. then thought oh wait no no i was wrong i like being single.. Well lucky me he didn't let me leave him, and ever since then things have been great.. Go figure good communication makes for a good relationship. I am pretty sure that is what i always say.. Guess i should listen to myself!
I then realized maybe there was something else going on..Maybe even though i am super happy and love my life, friends, job and hobbies.. that maybe i should love my body too! I have struggled with my weight for most of my life.. maybe since the 2nd grade! I went to weight watchers for the first time when i was 12 or 13.. and i remember my goal weight being 140! I thought that was what i weighed! oh my.. so many tuna sandwiches later i lost weight.. but by the ninth grade i was back up there around 250lbs at 5'6 and a size 28.. It is no fun to be that big in high school! when you can only shop at "fat people stores" and let me tell you 17 years ago fashion bug plus was not into teen styles.. it was bad! This time and for the next few years I took many bad paths to weight loss! I think that year i just stopped eating and started working out a ton! lost about 100 lbs dropped to a size 6-7 and got really sick.. i have never been that thin again.. i am pretty sure i messed up my body since that same year i grew to my now 5'10 height. I have done everything! Herbalife, Phen phen, acutrim, dexatrim, atkins, body for life, ephedra, loose weight while you sleep pills, laxatives, detoxes, I even joined the freakin army because i thought it would be a good way to get in shape and lose weight! Well the army did do a great job.. as did many of my pop some pills for a quick fix ideas! But did anything ever last?? No not really... I would always end up being around 200 lbs.. I went back to weight watchers and lost 33 lbs in 12 weeks.. kept if off for a couple years.. that was about 5 years ago..Then I was traveling for years, and just hovered around 200 lbs.. not being really happy with it.. but not having the motivation to do anything either.. I think a life time of having to care what i ate was just so annoying! I was sick of it, jealous of people that got to eat what ever they wanted.. and decided i should be able to do the same.. Well no i am not one of those people! When i eat what "i want" i eat crap! I was never taught good eating habits. and all these "diets" never taught me either.. and this past year i gained around 40 lbs! that is so not ok or cool at all! and it was starting to make me feel tired, and not want to go out.. I used to lose weight because i wanted a boyfriend and thought guys only like skinny girls.. but this time I am doing it for a whole other reason.. I want to be healthy! I want to feel good about the way I look, I don't want to have to avoid hot tubs, pools, and beach trips, I want to be in love with every part of my life, including my body! And for the first time ever I am doing this for the right reasons. I am almost 32 years old, I need to figure this out now! So i joined weight watchers AGAIN.. 3rd times a charm right? Now I am realizing why I got his big... I can now step back and look at how all the people around me eat.. and think.. wow i used to eat just like them.. i would have just eaten 10 oreos, i would have just gotten my own pint of ben and jerry's... i would have had a couple glasses of wine, a piece of chocolate cake, gone to that restaurant, eaten that fried food..... i would have this, i would have that... and now i don't! It has been hard to realize my bad ways! for sure! I was never a super fat, out of shape, sit on my ass kind of person... actually i would even consider myself in better shape then many thin people who are just naturally thin... I went to Africa last year and danced and drummed 6 hours a day 6 days a week for 3 weeks! I am strong, and have a big frame yes... but my big frame has a big layer of fat that i want gone.. and for good! I am drinking way more water, eating fruits and veggies (i have taught myself in these past years to like some veggies.. but it is still really hard for me, and i wish i liked them as much as i like chocolate and ice cream!) When I got out to a show i have an apple in my purse! And when everyone else is going to the late night hot dog or taco stand.. I eat my yummy honey crisp apple.. I feel better, i have more energy, i am excited, and this time i know i am doing it right.. I have been on WW for 7 weeks and I have lost 18.5 lbs! my goal.. is 60-80 lbs... And I am not stopping this time until i reach my goal! And then I am going to figure out how to maintain it.. I am going to keep track.. I am going to keep up.. I do hope some day I can allow myself a bit more treats then I do now.. or maybe i just won't want them anymore.. But now I feel it is very hard.. I try to avoid places that will tempt me, I have a hard time with potlucks, and eating out.. and for now just don't do those things.. but i want to figure out a way to make this stick and work for the long haul. So i can love my body, and be healthy, and then when i have kids eating healthy will be natural, a way of life.. and hope a way of life for my kids, so they don't struggle like i did all these years! No fad diets, no pills, no packaged foods (all the time unless i am in a pinch)
I have found some awesome recipes! and ways to eat the way i think i can always eat!
I never really thought I would be so public about this.. but then maybe someone might read this and realize they can do it too... they can have the body they want even if they have been struggling and dieting for 20 years like me!
I am going to use "the secret" a little here too.. I keep having my visions.. and this is what it is.. I am going to lose 60-80lbs.. go back to africa in december.. and dance and drum my bin bin off (that is susu for butt! last year they said i had a bin bin billy billy that means big butt.. but this year they will all wonder where it went!!) So i will start off the new year in amazing shape!! with all awesome new african made outfits i design and have made while i am there, I will get my hair braided again.. and then go on jam cruise! I will be smokin!! i can picture myself like this.. looking like that, the hair, the outfits, the confidence.. the outside that matches my inside!
I love to person i am becoming everyday I want to keep it that way! and stop being held back by anything!!
Chile in the Torres Del Paine NPark
Posts
