i suck

i thought i could be a good little blogger.. i guess i suck at it! HA go figure.. i suck at is as much as seattle sucks at cleaning up snow!!! this city has been a mess for 2 weeks! my flights out for spending christmas in rhode island with family and old friends, then to Florida with my sister to see my dad and ride some rides... done and done.. not gonna happen! it sucks to get excited and then let down, because the airport ran out of deicer. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

My favorite place ever

Ok so I have done a bit of traveling. I think somewhere around 25 countries and only have one continent left to complete them all! I have been so lucky to see amazing things, meet amazing people, and become this person that I love. But there is a place close to where I live that I love! I fall in love with this place more and more every time I go!

I first discovered this love with Taylor back in 05. We had gone down to Portland for a mini Yonder tour and then cruised up the coast on the 101! We stopped for a few days to check out the Olympic Peninsula. Here you find the HOH rain forest. Amazing, huge, colorful, alive, growing and dying. I feel the magic in the air whenever I enter into this place. The trail along the HOH river had become my favorite destination. When someone comes to WA and asks me what they should do, I send them there. I have been back to that magical place 3 more times since then. I took my family, and some friends, and I have spent countless hours on that same trail, and still see something new every time I go.

This time I went with Liam. He has never been! I was excited to show him.










And happy that even though it is November and might be cold and raining we can still go.

Because of Heltrude his VW bus. He put a heater in and it has a stove, making it perfect for winter camping!
We saw a rainbow everyday. We made great food, drank wine, hiked all day! The sun was out and the sky was blue! A rain forest in november and perfect weather! It was great!
The next day we went out and spent some time running away from the waves, and hiked up to hot springs. I went in hot springs for the first time!! I laughed so much when we got dressed to leave our cloths had gotten wet, Liam had to wear my rasta legs! What a sight the two of us where hiking back down to the car. I laugh now just thinking about it!

I really love having someone who likes to do these things with me. Someone who is present, giving, and really cares about me. I continue to fall in love more and more everyday with this amazing man! I look forward to seeing him, even if it was only that morning that we left. He can not get enough of me! I think he would be with me 24/7 if I allowed it. That feels great. At the same time he also lets me be myself, and go out with my friends and do my own thing as well. All my friends love him, and think we are great for each other... I still can't believe it all sometimes hee hee... I am so happy!

Halloween in Denver Colorado!

Halloween has always been a fun holiday for me! I have always spent hours (like 25-60) making my costumes each year. Since moving to Seattle, and growing into this festival goer that I am, costumes have taken on a whole new meaning. My sewing skills have increased and I can now make pants, capes, skirts, shirts, and well anything with a pattern really.. It's kinda exciting! Now I just need a new sewing machine!
When my friend Andrea told me the band Leftover Salmon would be playing in Denver and flights were only 175$ I thought why not!? Then as I chatted to my best friend Taylor in WY and Kelly who had moved to Alabama a month earlier... they liked the idea as well!
So 5 of us would head off to Denver for the weekend.. Oh what fun!
And this year I figured have a group costume would be fun. So I started to think. At first I wanted to be from the future, the jestons neighbors maybe? With a hoop skirt like Judy! Since I just got into making capes.. I thought I could make everyone a cape. We could all be super heroes from the future! Then the little hands headbands I got this summer could help us all match. We could be handy super heroes! Then at a show the week before Andrea and I got inspired by another person wearing the hands, to sew the to middle fingers down to say I love you in sign language! So then we became the Super handy love heroes from the future!They all got so into it! They even let me paint their faces!

Taylor was the conductor of the love train! All aboard!!

Keller was farmer love.. planting the seeds of love!

Andrea and I were do love and be love... be cause together we are a do-be and everyone loves that!
My skirt even had lights (how so burning man of me!)

It was a blast to be with all my friends somewhere new!

We went hiking in the snow to a lake. It was nice, calm, peaceful.

I got to spend a little time with my good friend who I hiked on the Appalachian trail with "42" or Nira in the outside world.

Saturday night Taylor and I went by ourselves to see Jamie Janover wih Lynx, Zilla, and EOTO and Kang played with them too. It was so much fun! I danced so hard! That music really makes my feet and body move non-stop! I loved it!!
What a perfect, sunny, wonderful weekend, filled with friends, music, and costumes!

Manifesting My Future

I am a firm believer in the fact the thoughts become things! So you have to focus on the good ones. I am not sure if I was always doing that. I mean I would say that I wanted a relationship. But then I tended to think about how the others had all gone wrong. How everyone always wanted to "just be friends" But then I met someone that made me change my mind. I thought wow this could work, I finally found someone great! But he was hesitating the whole time, I chose to ignore many things that I knew were not right for me, just because I just really really wanted to have that connection. And wouldn't you know it, he told me he just wanted to be friends. My friends all saw it wasn't going to work, why didn't I? But it didn't matter, it gave me hope. It sparked that feeling of magical new beginnings. It made me focus more on what could be. And then I think it found me this time! So that great hugger I was talking about a couple posts ago.. Well it continues to go well.. wow its going well enough to talk about it in two posts!
It has been so so long, I don't even think I even knew it could be like this. There are no hesitations this time. He is totally into me! And all my friends see it too! And it feels wonderful and refreshing! I don't know how many times I read that freakin book! "he's really not into you" I would keep telling myself... if he was he would call, want to spend time with you, not be able to get enough of you. I was starting to think that book was lame! Could everything they say in this book be true. Well I didn't settle (well I guess I almost did there for a second, but I am sure I would have figured it out in due time) This time I am with someone who calls, comes over even though we were just together all day, cooks for me, opens the car door for me, compliments me all the time, he holds my hand, and is always massaging some part of me when ever I am around.
This time I feel adored, beautiful, wanted, and special. All my friends can not get over how awesome he is, and how we are together! It really feels right! I can be myself with him, and I can say the sweet things I think because he says sweet things to me all the time. I don't feel like I am being too much! We like a lot of the same things, yet we have our own hobbies as well. All the things I ever asked for in a partner are there with Liam. He makes plans for the future.. He plans out what he is going to cook for me the following week. He thanks me for coming over and sleeping next to him. We made a promise to never take each other for granted. We carve pumpkins, watch movies, have game nights, go fly kites, he loves to talk, and is engaging. He remembers that I don't like spicy foods to just name one! He tells me that his face hurts from smiling so much from being around me.
We feel like we can just kiss for hours.... and we do :)
I have met my cuddling match!!
He loves the outdoors, but actually likes them the way I do. Hiking, snowshoeing, cross country skiing. So he para glides. Can I deal with this? He said to me "I'm a package deal... I glide" I said I know. And I love that he has a hobby. But last weekend when I went with him, all I could imagine was him jumping off that mountain and falling, and my life becoming a best selling movie! Everyone tells me I should write a book. Well I want to write the ending right now....
And they lived happily ever after.... not she found mr. right and then he fell! Why do I even have thoughts like this. He thought it was so cute that I was worries about him. But I did have a best friend die rock climbing. And then another good friend almost die in an avalanche he survived but the man with him did not. It is way close for home to me. Then again it seems peaceful, magical and delicious. I could actually see myself flying off the sides of mountains! Or would I be too scared?? It was on my list to do while I was in NZ and I never got around to it. That is where he tried it and fell in love with it. Funny how things work right. I look forward to getting to be with him every night. I look forward to the plans we have made with each other for this winter. I look forward to the possibilities of this amazing man... and I really want to have a happy ending to my book!

tell em!!

I don't think people compliment each other enough! I like to tell people they are awesome! Or I like your shirt.. something! I love the people in my life.. and all around me! I like interacting with people I don't know! I think it would be a great idea to try to compliment someone at least once a day. It makes you feel good, and the other person too! I went to this haunted trail thing on Friday and I had a blast interacting with all the students dressed up to scare me! At one point one of them broke character and said "i like you!" I giggled the whole time, and actually even screamed a few times too! It takes something to be able to let go and be scared. And it takes something to take the time to interact with people you don't know. They could be really awesome and fun and turn out to be your best friend! I hear in the south random people talk to you all the time!
Then this morning when i was getting gas, i noticed that the tattooed guy in front of me still had shaving cream behind his ear from shaving his head this morning.... i thought i should tell him.. but then i didn't!! what example am i leading for myself here? Then again it was 630am so gimme a break!

I am right were I am suppose to be!

I really am doing something right! I feel so at home here, so at ease, so excited for everyday of my life!
Last week I had the morning off and went down to the Showbox to pick up tickets for all my friends, for the up coming show Dark Star Orchestra! I walked over to Pike Place Market.. I never just go there and walk around. It rocks! All the fresh fruits, flowers and fish! I bought myself some of each! I got in my car and started to get this overwhelming feeling of happiness. I am really suppose to be here. I am living a life I have created, and I love it! Good things always happen to me. The people who surround me are amazing and wonderful and bring me joy.
Then it started to pour rain in the middle of the sunny afternoon... And I laughed.. Oh seattle! I searched for the rainbow..

The weekend came, and the show I had gotten tickets for was so much fun!! I was surrounded by at least 30 friends all dancing, smiling, and connecting. This is so right, this is so wonderful! Then I hear this guy asking my friend Nick... "who is this girl? I see her everywhere, she knows everyone and she seems awesome!" "HI I'm Stephie! I'm a Hugger!" This hug was extra super warm and cozy and comfortable.... "I'm Liam and you have been following me all summer" he said with a grin... HA! for once I have actually never noticed this guy! Someone noticed me first! That feels really nice.... Our joking interactions continued throughout the night, and I felt that this guy might be really intrigued by me.. hee hee that's exciting and new!
The next thing I know the show was over I am outside in the middle of a group hug because this group wants me to change my plans and go camping tomorrow.. A geological field trip, paragliding, campfires, smores... Wow.. give up my plan huh? Change what I do all the time..
Well... I am a sucker for nature. I am a sucker for new friends that give really amazing hugs! And it was a chance to spend some time with Nick and Laurie.. I really love those two and never see them enough. So 4 hours later I woke up and started packing to be picked up to go camping!

Mt Saint Helen was amazing!! Out in all of her full glory. The sky was blue the sun was out.
I found myself in a slew of amazing conversations. I think it feels really good when someone is genuinely interested in you. And it is even better when you are just as interested in them. Oh but it gets even better when you find you have so so much in common. It is even better when that someone who gives the best hugs ever feels like an old friend even though this is the first day you have ever spent together.
He is into paragliding (to say the least) So we all went to a launch sight. They knew they couldn't fly but they kited.. I was in awe, so amazing and beautiful.
It was the perfect day, I didn't want to be anywhere else!
Campfire, smores, great food, wine.... ahhhh and the chatting about everything...
I got to sleep next to him in his bus! It has heat, Sweet!! We chatted ourselves to sleep, and chatted ourselves awake... The best kind of sunday morning is laying in bed talking for an hour before you start the day.. don't you think?
I got to cook everyone blueberry pancakes for breakfast. I really like cooking for people, I like it when people around me are happy, fed, and feeling fine! Every time I make blueberry pancakes I think of Taylor. He came into my camp at string summit oh so many years ago, when we first met, and made us all blueberry pancakes.
My past is so intertwined with my present.
It must mean I am on the right path.

I am meeting the people that I am manifesting myself to meet.
I am making lasting connections, and new friends all the time.
I am right where I want to be, doing the things I want to do.
Looking forward to my days with hope and a soul that is smiling!

It is important to remember...
You will never get to do the things you want to do, by doing things you don't want to do!
So just do what you want to do!


I was just going to write about my pike market day.. guess I had more to say!
Ok back to sewing my Halloween costume!

Everything you ever lost

Imagine..... You woke up one morning and there on your front step was a box... A big big box! And inside was everything you have ever lost... EVER! I mean everything!  Jewelry, papers, keys, clothes,  MONEY! I was driving to work and thought to myself... I used to have a drill, and electric drill with all the different bits.. How could I misplace that.  When I moved to Seattle 4 years ago? What about those snowboard pants too, and that shirt I loved and wore all the time.  Where does all this stuff go? How do we loose stuff. Do we have too much stuff that we can't even keep track of what we have anymore. Yeah I think so! But for a moment it is kinda fun to think about what might be in that box, photos, old memories, times forgotten and lost.. then re-found.  I am going to try to have less stuff, buy less, loose less, and keep track of it all...

What is going on here!!

Ok things are getting scary.. And I am actually paying attention now! I never seemed to care before.. I mean I knew stuff was sorta wrong and bad, and I just didn't want to know about it. I felt like knowing about it would just piss me off, and there was really nothing I could do to stop any of it. Instead I traveled around the world, and changed the opinions of other travelers. I think I really made everyone I met realize not all americans were bad. What I should have done was researched, got data, and knew what was going on.. so I could even better change the minds of others.. I always wanted to be one of those political people that could spew on and on about this policy and that debate and so on... And now I actually got a clue, care, and don't feel that helpless! I even had a debate party at my house! everyone came over and I cooked up some tofu, rice and veggies as we all sat around and watched the presidential debate. When I look at Obama I feel warm and fuzzy inside.. I don't know why... when McCain talks I want to hit him. A lot of "stuff" is going down right now.. And if people can not even see and realize how scary this whole situation is then they are silly! I know I can make a difference now.. I know that what I think can count somewhere if I get more involved! today I signed this
http://sanders.senate.gov/petitions/?petition=Financial_Crisis_1

And although it can never really work.. I think this is the best idea ever!! I got this email and just love it! It makes you realize how much money this actually is!
I'm against the $85,000,000,000.00 bailout of AIG.


Instead, I'm in favor of giving $85,000,000,000 to America in

a We Deserve It Dividend.


To make the math simple, let's assume there are 200,000,000

bonafide U.S. Citizens 18+.


Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman

and child. So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up..


So divide 200 million adults 18+ into $85 billion that equals
$425,000.00.


My plan is to give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a

We Deserve It Dividend.


Of course, it would NOT be tax free.

So let's assume a tax rate of 30%.


Every individual 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.

That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam.


But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.

A husband and wife has $595,000.00.


What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?

Pay off your mortgage - housing crisis solved.
Repay college loans - what a great boost to new grads
Put away money for college - it'll be there
Save in a bank - create money to loan to entrepreneurs.
Buy a new car - create jobs
Invest in the market - capital drives growth
Pay for your parent's medical insurance - health care improves
Enable Deadbeat Dads to come clean - or else


Remember this is for every adult U S Citizen 18+ including the folks

who lost their jobs at Lehman Brothers and every other company

that is cutting back. And of course, for those serving in our Armed

Forces.


If we're going to re-distribute wealth let's really do it...instead of

trickling out

a puny $1000.00 economic incentive that is being
proposed by one of our candidates for President.


If we're going to do an $85 billion bailout, let's bail out every adult
U S Citizen 18+!


As for AIG - liquidate it.

Sell off its parts.
Let American General go back to being American General.
Sell off the real estate.
Let the private sector bargain hunters cut it up and clean it up.


Here's my rationale. We deserve it and AIG doesn't.
Sure it's a crazy idea that can 'never work.'
But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!
How do you spell Economic Boom?
I trust my fellow adult Americans to know how to use the $85 Billion

We Deserve It Dividend more than I do the geniuses at AIG or in
Washington DC .


And remember, The Birk plan only really costs $59.5 Billion because
$25.5 Billion is returned instantly in taxes to Uncle Sam.

Ahhh...I feel so much better getting that off my chest.

Birk

T. J. Birkenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic

PS: Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it's either good for
a laugh

or a tear or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

MY Trail Magic!

Being a Trail angel! Doing trail magic, And being me..
Current mood: loved

My life... hmmm Seriously.. really? yeah i guess... I can focus on the things i don't have, and wonder about why certain things are not the way I want them to be.. or I can live, be happy, and love unconditionally and fully every blessing that is mine.

This weekend I gave back.....
In case some of you have no clue what trail magic is, or what being a trail angel is i will fill you in.
While i hiked for 3 months on the Appalachian trail i was confronted by amazing people the helped me out, fed me, let me stay at their place, gave me rides... People would set up full on BBQ's for us if we were lucky enough to go by them that day, or leave coolers of soda, candy, beer.. I even got a free ride to Merle fest and amazing festival in NC, free ticket (250$) camping, food pass, and my job was the sneak back stage.. I mean come on! I had to give back.. So I knew some folks hiking the PCT this year (i was also suppose to be on it and chose to go to Africa and Europe instead)

I really had no idea how limited the trail magic on the PCT was, and the AT like trail magic didn't really happen out there.. but i was prepared! I had the master plan... It was slightly thrown off when my hiker friend came to town a couple days early bringing with him 3 stinky hikers! but they were awesome they filled my little apartment with smiles, and trail stories and compliments...
We all headed up the trail with some help from my amazing friend kelly (i think this was all a lot more then she realized!) and some borrowed items from sharon and spencer (thanks guys!)
We made it.. we could not find a spot to set up so we had to set up at a very popular trail head at snoqualmie pass!
I brought
3 dozen eggs
60 beers
5 lbs of ground beef
5 lbs of bacon
2 lbs of sausage
tofu and veggie sausage
salads
fresh fruits and veggie
chips and crackers
cheeses and dips
lots of yummy breads and wraps
i baked cookies
kelly baked zucchini bread (she grew the zuccs)
chocolate, gatorade, juices, emergency
two coolers
two table for setting up
chairs
hammocks
my "party" tent

I have no idea how we fit this stuff into my car.. how we set up and broke down 2 times.. and on the second day kelly left and i did it all with a thru hiker that wanted to join me for another day.
We had to hike all this stuff in on the second day to a spot not so "on the trail" far away from I90 and all the day hikers.. We found an amazing site! a fire pit, logs, views, shade,,, everything i wanted! I had an amazing time! We fed 7 hikers the first night and then the next morning..
we drank laughed shared and i think kelly got a really good glimpse into why i live thru hiking.. what trail family feels like... and how amazing it feels to be a trail angel!
She left on sunday to go get her stuff together so she could hike the next PCT section with a hiker we met.... I am far more then jealous i must say. but my time on the PCT will come...
I had so much fun and got to be in a 6 person spooning party all inside my tent! And have fond memories of my little ride with Prison Jay.
Sunday set up in the woods I met up with 5 more hikers.. and got to feed them too...
I was told by a few hikers i gave them the best trail magic they have had on the trail. 3 of them hiked the 7 miles to town, then had friends that were meeting them there drive them back up to me, so we could all hang out.. and so they could all enjoy my french toast, bacon, sausage, and egg wraps... i cooked for 8 people this morning.
They were all so great, they helped me take loads to the car (so i wouldn't have to hike it all back out again!) I felt loved, appreciated, and wonderful! I know that I will be remembered by each of theses hikers, just as i remember and tell stories of the amazing angels that helped me!

My heart ached when it was all over... i wanted to grab my gear and hike to canada with them.. I kicked myself a little that I didn't try to plan to hike a section with slick b and friends... but its ok.. they can just come hike a section with me when i am out there! that will be even more fun!

This was for sure not an easy thing to do! or cheap... but priceless in so many ways!
I got home and spent 7 hours unpacking, cleaning up, doing laundry, cleaning my apartment that had just been let go.... Summer.. It was amazing and busy, and full of surprises, new friends, laughs, music, hiking, butterflies and unicorns... and all the things that make my heart and soul smile.. I am so glad to be alive... and to be living this life...
I am so blessed to have you all in it, dancing next to me, sharing with me,,,,, and being a part of what made me the me i am this minute..
Have I thanked you lately? no... well.. THANK YOU!!!

Burning MAN

What A RIDE!

burning man, summer, thoughts, life
Current mood: adventurous

So while things are still fresh... or should i say playa dusty.. i wanted to blog a bit before things start to fade as fresh amazing memories.. I continue to feel blessed and excited about life, my future, and the path i seem to be choosing and dancing down... Sometimes i am doing so much i get to wonder "why am i doing so much?"... but i can't stop.. and its ok. This past month has been pretty magical for me. A new energy entered in, spun my tires, flipped my head around a few times and then danced away when i finally thought i had found just what i was looking for, it had been a very very long time since i ever thought i could actually share my life so openly and freely with someone else.. and it really seemed like he "got me".. tough breaks. I keep thinking it will happen for me when it is time.. but its hard to remember its not my time and i have to keep living with no expectations of the people who are around me and sharing my light. I am growing and learning and working on myself everyday. I am slowly becoming more and more me, and learning to accept that, love that, and be that....
I have always been bad at protecting my heart, i love openly and freely and many. Sometimes that means I will feel more pain then others, but I can not change what my core is... I am now able to see and accept that my core is beautiful, bright and full of life and love.
I went off to burning man this year with a lot on my mind and a heavy heart. What better place to deal with all of that right?
Out in the middle of this amazing temporary playground, full of wonder, magic, art, energy, music and friends from everywhere in my life! I feel more free, more open to everything around me, i feel prettier, brighter, i feel a part of something bigger then anyone even knows. This year i did it right, I went with people i love and feel comfortable with. I knew where all the good live music was, i knew what i needed to feel comfortable all the time, i knew how to find people, and they knew how to find me....
I got to hang out or run into people from all over my life!
the Appalachian Trail
Africa
Wyoming
Seattle african dance community
Seattle music friends
Portland friends
Myspace friends i had never met in person before
vashon island friends
festival friends i had met at bobolinks festival in may...

All coming together and entering in my time on the playa randomly and perfectly throughout the week..... And the strangers.... the un-known friends i should call them.. When the playa does its work and you think you are going to bed.. but instead your off on a crazy adventure with someone you just met..ohhh whats that shining thing in the distance.. lets go!..... 4 hours later you are quietly climbing some scaffolding to watch the sunrise together. and not wanting to say goodbye because you may very well not see them again... connections, and conversations that feel unreal...
I kissed a robot
Got thrown off a furry merry go round
Danced up on the counter to get ice (me up on a counter.. really??)
i got kidnapped by an art car and had to learn to let go, and just enjoy the ride...
i was the 2,395th person someone hugged (he had a clicker)
I gave out more vibrating back massages and got the best responses ever! (i should get a clicker!)
I got a great burning man stamp in the middle of no where and a cookie
I saw a giant green penis art car shooting flames from the tip
I kissed cute boys and it felt awesome, innocent and fun and special!
I wore fish nets and tutus and loved it! (so strange for me kinda)
I met a giant zebracorn that shot margaritas from its ass
I went monkey chanting
I found a camp that serves dels lemonade from Rhode Island!!
I was given so many compliments (by un-known friends) that blew me away really, and made me feel so great.. something that is needed right after your heart has been cracked.... i healed on the playa.. it was time to think, and rethink, and remember "everything happens for a reason" "it must not be what i thought it was" "sometimes feelings can steer you wrong and people are not who they seem" "in the end it will all become clear, and i will be thankful it went this way"

I am still learning to be ok with who i am, what i am, and what i am bringing to the table of life.
I need to realize and find the balance of my life... giving and taking too. Sharing and spending time alone to reflect and grow. I have come so so far, anyone of you who has known me for years can attest to that... But i do know i have a long way to grow and change and become an even better soul to walk this earth. I am getting there, I can feel it... and who ever chooses to walk beside me on my amazing journey will be as blessed as I am, and we can glow off each others light....
until then i will just keep shinning bright.....

Blogging...

So it has come to my attention that there is one more person that wants to know what is up with my life, and does not have myspace.. So i am going to post on here more often.. and to keep things up to date i am going to post a couple of blogs i wrote on myspace here and maybe even look through and randomly put up OLD NEWS... to get off the subject of love and ever failing love life.. unicorns do not exist.. Maybe I should have known.. But it did give me hope! Hope that magic can really happen between two people, instantly and amazingly! I might be doomed to having lots and lots of best friends forever... It's ok, it will happen when it happens.... and I will just keep getting more awesome until then!

Everything is all better!

SO.. All is wonderful in Stephie land.. And of course I knew it would be.. Had to have a little freak out, to make sure I was on task right!  So now my new job and schedule is awesome! I have a festival and some great weekends of shows, and parties under my belt, my new apartment is really a home! I live in a colorful, comfortable, lively place of memory nick nacks!  Photos, and african wood carvings, masks from venice italy and Krakow poland. Photos of happy smiling friends... Every minute of my day feels full. I have more people in my life then I can even keep up with. At parties and shows I know so many people it is hard to stay in one place very long.. And I was wanting more?? hmmmmm funny right.. Guess when I was living in Germany, not working so much, not having so much to do.. it gave me time to think about that "one thing I don't have" 

Now that I am home, living life, and being me... I don't even have time! I mean I am sure I would make the time if someone kickass came to my door step.. But until then.. Screw that! I am having a blast! I like flirting, I like talking to everyone! I like to focus more energy on 10 people instead of just one! So screw going above and beyond the call of duty for a guy (who I have had a crush on for years)  Screw him if he can not see how awesome I am, How Beautiful I am, and not giving me what I deserve.. I am done going above and beyond for people that can not even appreciate it!  There are enough people who do. I have so so much good in my life.. Why focus on what I don't have! Plus I got plans man! I have big plans! And boyfriends always hold me back... So I am my own girlfriend now! Man I am such a great girlfriend.. I am going to start treating myself the way others should treat me.. since I already treat them that way anyway! I don't deserve how I put myself down sometimes.. I need to and I slowly am realizing that I am awesome.. And it is ok to know that.. It is ok to say that! People tell me all the time, people love me, I make a difference, I am needed and I am important! And so what if I am not some skinny chic who could have a second job as a super model.. I am me.. and as Kale told me to say over and over...

I am sexy, I am beautiful, I am lovable, I AM LOVED!

with tears i write

This is sorta frustrating. I have been meaning to blog forever. But of course that fact that I seem to be a world traveler just gets in the way. I was in Granada Spain. I was talking to my couchsurfing host. He was asking the normal get to know you questions.. And found out some basic information about my past and future plans. To recap. In 2004 I went to New Zealand for 3 months, RI for 10m weeks and then drove cross country to my new home of Seattle. I then spent 7 weeks hiking, biking, kayaking and hanging out and was off again. Thailand (to meet a guy I had met in NZ and spent 5 weeks with him falling in love, island hoping in southern Thailand and then being sad when he returned to Israel) I went onto Laos, Cambodia (where I volunteered in an orphanage) Vietnam for a couple days, Australia, back to New Zealand, then finally to Israel to be with me love, who had realized he could not live with out me. He had me change all my travel plans, buy extra tickets, change ones I had bought just to be with him. I guess still not fully realizing that I need to stop doing these things, I followed my heart. Which he then ripped out, stepped on and jumped up and down on with big spikes coming out of his shoes. Broken I returned home. Went on a cruise..... the worst possible thing you can ever do is go on a cruise with couples, honeymooners, old people, and vacationers after backpacking for a year and being newly single!... but now I know. I came back to seattle in Jan of 05. Ready for my series of serious crushes on guys that would never love me the way I love them. A Festival romance, and on-line dating, all adding up to me getting hurt, being single... and in March of 06 leaving for my Hike on the Appalachian Trail. On the Trail I have the best relationship ever! One that will never work and has an end date (did I mention this one already) So I almost die, have a huge wake up call and have to go back to seattle. Had to find a new house, new job, and again another festival romance.. this time turning into way more then the last.. but ah alas, I am too nice, too cool, too whatever and there I am crushed again, alone, oh but lucky me another amazing guy "friend" to add to my growing list! So March of 2007 I find myself turning 30 on a 3 week hiking trip in Patagonia, Chile, and Argentina. Followed by 10 days in Utah.. with my first festival failure who is now one of my bestest and closest friends. And the Adventure continues... December of 2007 I leave for Guinea West Africa. Where I will drum and dance my way into happiness, love, friendships that are beyond amazing, and the arms of an african. He falls for me hard. He might be all I have wanted in a guy, funny, smart, talented, attentive, affectionate, caring, adores the ground I walk on, give me endless compliments.. wow you think I would be happy right. Oh but wait that is right, he lives in AFRICA! In one of the poorest countries in the world, he is way too young, does not speak enough english for me to really feel that connection. And after 8 phone calls a day from him I finally had to tell him to stop calling me (I feel buying food, or money for your sick mother more important!) Urghhhhhhh
Then onto live in Munich Germany to work for the family I had been a nanny for since fall of 06. They (and even I) secretly hoped I might fall in love in Munich and stay there forever... Fat Chance I guess. And the travels continue... Italy, Austria, Norway, Amsterdam, Spain, London, Sweden, Poland, Prague, And Budapest Hungary to round it all out before I head back to seattle two weeks ago.... Oh and the future.. Well I will be here for a year, then go hike the PCT from Mexico to Canada, maybe go back to Europe, and Africa, but definitely I will go back to south america, go to Antarctica up through chile, argentina, bolivia, brazil, and land in Peru for the grand finally! Hiking the Inca Trail.. Ah yes.. a women who has dreams, ambitions, a back log of fun times and amazing stories, I can tell kick ass jokes, I love to laugh. All I want is some great guy to come and sweep me off my feet and love me the way I deserve.. What do I get instead? Nothing.. This guy in spain you know what he says "but your women clock? Isn't it ticking" Oh my god! I got a few years left right, I mean I am only 31 people start families way later.. But maybe this is the reason I feel so ready to be in a relationship.. Maybe someone will make me want to settle down, Maybe someone will make me feel that being with them is more important then constantly filling my time with travel plans, so I don't realize my bed is always empty and I am all alone... As I continue down the road of being "everyone's favorite" but no ones one and only. So I get excited... when.... a friend of mine tells me to email her friend about traveling in Europe. I get more excited when I check out his myspace and he seems perfect! We send emails while I am traveling, and when I get back he wants to hang out be my "one man welcoming committee" The texts and the Iming is getting very flirty, so I finally get to go hang out with him.. I am so out of practice, I think I came off as not interested... did I mean to do this? NOOOOOO He sits on the couch and leaves the spot next to him open, but I sit on the chair. I in the back of my mind think this guy would never like me.... and there is my problem! I have now come to hate Facebook and Myspace! Why because they are stupid, and let you see things you should not see!!! Less then a week after we finally hang out, and me trying to play it cool, not contact him, try to be less available, try not to do all the things I always do when ever I like a guy hoping this time maybe it will work.... he just listed himself as in a relationship.. and I started to cry! What the??!!! I torture myself!! I was excited about him, but didn't let him in on it, because that fails me in the past! My friend Matt tells me I just need to loose 30 pounds and I won't have these problems anymore.. I would love to tell him he is full of shit, and that someone should love me for me, for all my beautifulness, kind open soul, who cares and loves, and spread positivity and joy around the world.. But he might be right because I in the back of my mind felt, "when I go over this guys house, I won't be as pretty as my pictures, and he won't like me" And I made it true... Meanwhile back on the ranch.. Did I mention this other great friend I have. Yup, have a huge crush on him too, just hoping at any moment he will grab me, kiss me and tell me he has always loved me! I go above and beyond all friendship duties with him, and check the box next to best friend please! I get to watch him hit on girls, talk about wanting to date around, not be serious, just have fun. All the girls.. you guessed it 1/2 my size! So all this should make me want to go to the gym right? More like grab a pint of ben and jerry's and cry myself to sleep. I start a job tomorrow that I am not even excited about, I have a growing to do list, I have not found a place to live.. And my happiness is being drained.. and I am not feeling positive, I am feeling sad... and I am not used to this.
I will be fine by tomorrow! but can something please make a turn for the better! I gasping for air over here!

I want someone

So I have decided I want to be with someone. I might have this someone in mind. I find myself always the best friend and never the "one"

I made this choice to not be with anyone anymore because the men in my life were dragging me down! I was loosing myself in these men who needed me to take care of them. I am a care taker, a nurturer by heart. Every job I have ever had has been me taking care of people, the elderly, disabled, psychotic, children, parents, families. I gave gave gave and worked worked worked. And then one day something snapped.. And I was ready to break the pattern and move on. I needed these men in my life, they gave me the confidence to realize I was worth loving, worth a life! As crazy as my crazy boyfriends idea's were, I ended up doing them. I never heard of New Zealand before him, never really thought I would want to hike the Appalachian Trail. But all these comments he made about taking these on the whim trips came true for me. He kept telling me there was this person inside of me, that he saw needed to come out. I was a planner, ridged, frugal, hard working and determined. I decided I wanted a different life, that there really could be more out there for me. It took me a year and a half to pay off all the dept my relationships had left me in, and save for my trip to New Zealand. I had the most amazing time, and got attention from men like never before. I must have been glowing, in this new free light shinning with-in me. Of course my travels even had a love story but I will save that for another time. It didn't last, nothing has since that day I decided to choose me. Now I sit here almost 6 years to the day I made this choice. And now I want someone. But I am living a different live, and independent life of a traveler. Since that day I have filled my passport and added more pages, been to 5 continents, and over 25 countries. Met amazing people, been on incredible adventures. Hike 3 months on the Appalachian trail. And there had the only really good relationship I have ever had! And the reason was because we both knew it would never work. We had so much fun together, it was easy, great sex, great conversation, lots of laughing and an end date. When we left the woods we would leave each other. It was simple and wonderful and we are still friends.

But there must be something wrong with me, my energy, my signals if I am as great as everyone tells me, yet still single. I travel too much for anyone to keep up with me in ways. I have to change my thoughts and stop saying it isn't time for me to have someone. Next year I leave again for a whole year, so would falling in love compromise my plans? Maybe I know in my deep heart that it really isn't the time.

In my recent past I have had these huge crushes on these guys that become my best friend. They love me, they tell me they do, they tell me how amazing I am. Sometimes with a couple of them we have "crossed the line" sometimes just once, with others we can't stop crossing them. And it keeps making me wonder "why not me then" How can you be intimate with me, but then not want me? what is wrong with me? I am a good girlfriend! I am fun, open, easy to get along with. I want my boyfriend to have his own life, friends, and fun and then share time with me too!

Isn't that a dream relationship? So I figured out how to not be held down by men, I figured out the early warming signs of a guy that will need me to take care of them. I want to be your lover not your mother was my new mantra. I don't really have that many issues are far as people with issues come, but it is hard to find someone else like that. I have fun but don't abuse alcohol or drugs. I don't mind if you get drunk don't act like an ass when you are, or not be able to function the whole next day and break plans we had. Don't make me have to buy all your shit. Have a good job and then want to go to music festivals and hiking. I don't think it is to much to ask because I am not asking for anything I can not provide. So I have all these amazing guy friends I love them. But now I want someone to really love me! I went to Africa, and and Guinean fell in love with me, with my energy, my smile, my eyes, my laugh. We couldn't really talk much since both don't speak the others language. The love so easily there, they truly live in the moment, because of a hard life they know this moment might be all they have. I don't love him the way he loves me, and now I have switched positions with all these recent past men in my life. I love him, but don't want to really be with me. It would also be way too hard.

I have really grown up in these 6 me years! Moved to a new city, made new friends, learned who I am is wonderful, because everyone who meets me tells me so. I must be doing something right! Right?

what is this!

ok so I am not sure I really need another place to post my thoughts.. I actually don't even think I am going to tell anyone I know I am doing this.. they have enough to read between my group emails and all my other online journals?! I am doing this because of this friend I have. I have come to realize he might be a professional blogger. He has all these weekly updates he does about the best book the best movie, readers choiceblogs! And let me tell you he knows a lot about a lot of stuff and therefore can let his readers choose what randomness he will speak of next! I can't even figure out how to make the main photo on my page not take up the whole screen! I also can't imagine that I would create some following, and feel the need to write movie reviews, and talk about anything other then the thoughts that go through my little head. Everyone tells me I should write a book. I always wondered, where would i start? maybe I will start here, maybe I could write a blog like I would write a book and see where it would go? Telling the story of my life? of how I got to where I am today... and let me tell you my life has had some really interesting turns twists and adventures. I like telling stories, most say I am good at it, most of the stories of my life seem unreal at times, even to myself. But to put them into some logical book??? Do I write about my travels, my relationships with men, relationships with family, friends, the relationship with myself, with my life? How can a temper tantrum throwing, really bad kid turn into a negative always complaining, loud, yet hard working teenager, turn into a really positive life living, adventure seeking, successful women? Many people came into my life, showed me rays of light, that I was open enough to recieve them. I had to be willing to realize there was more to life then little Ol Rhode Island. There was actually a whole world to explore, amazing people beyond my imagination to meet. Life is this never ending lesson, and the only way to prove that we have learned a lesson, is to life in a different way after we realize the solution. We make our future, we only have as much control over our lives as we realize we have. Once we realize we have all the control to do and be what ever we choose, then our life become ours, a life worth living. So many people are not happy, don't even know how to be happy, don't even seek out ways to be happy, ways to change, that is on them.. all I can ever do and say look at me! I am happy right? Well I wasn't always this way, and I am not 100% always happy all the time, I just choose to deal with the things life dishes out, and find the positive in them! Sometimes I still need to people in my life around me to help me do this. But there lies another trick, surrounding yourself with other positive life loving people is the only way you can stay that way. So I don't really know what i will do on this page.. but then again I never know what I will do in anything I do... just go with the flow I guess.. And see what happens